Improving your sex life is always a worthy goal. But it's also worth asking yourself whether you're improving it on your own terms or someone else's. Does the problem you're experiencing actually bother you, or are you afraid it bothers your partner? Do you really want to do something differently, or does it just seem like everyone else does it that way?
If your satisfaction isn't suffering, or if it's only suffering because you're anxious that you might not be "normal," it's time to give yourself permission to let it go. After all, if it ain't broke, why fix it? Below, we've compiled a few common, so-called sexual "problems" that might actually not be problems at all—especially if they don't bother you.
1. Not being able to orgasm through intercourse
If you can't come from sex, you're actually in the majority: Only a quarter of women orgasm through PIV sex consistently, and many never do at all. Some people's bodies just don't do this easily—one study found that the distance between your clitoris and vagina determines whether you get off through intercourse—so there's no need to force it. Plus, it just provides one more reason to spend extra time on foreplay, after-play, and play of all varieties.
2. Having uneven labia
If you got your sex education from porn, you might think every pair of labia is small and symmetrical. But the vulva has a lot more variation than we give it credit for. Given that over a third of people think their genitals are abnormal, many of us have a skewed idea of what everything is supposed to look like down there. There are rare cases when long labia can cause physical discomfort, but if yours don't, there's no reason to stress about them or change them.
3. Having a low sex drive
Sure, you might see characters in rom-coms (and real-life PDA lovers) all over each other constantly, or hear people bemoan "sexless" relationships, but one study found that the happiest couples actually have sex once a week on average. If you'd like to have more sex, there are ways to potentially increase your libido, like exercising and de-stressing. But not having a certain amount of sex isn't a problem if you don't want more of it in the first place.
4. Watching a lot of porn
Obviously, there's such a thing as too much porn consumption—like when it reaches the point that you can't get aroused by your partner or are neglecting your responsibilities. But for most people, porn is not addictive. In fact, watching porn separately or together and sharing what you like can help get you and your partner in the mood and bring you closer. "Sex film viewing is overwhelmingly positive for most people, and especially beneficial for women," says sex researcher Nicole Prause, PhD. "The best predictor of viewing more hours of sex films is having a higher sex drive—not rocket science—so more is not a strong indicator of a problem."
5. Sex not lasting that long
Not every sexual encounter has to be a marathon. Sometimes, a quickie's all you need. The average sex session lasts about five minutes (not including foreplay), and while most sex advice may focus on extending it, that length of time can be plenty for many couples. Hey, you've got stuff to do today!
6. Not getting wet
Failing to get wet doesn't necessarily mean you're not attracted to or turned on by your partner. It could have more to do with your time in your cycle, what medications you're on, or even the temperature, says Prause. If it's making sex go less smoothly, that's what lube is for (and check out our beginner's guide to loving lube if you don't know where to start).
7. Not liking the "typical" things
Many people feel pressure to engage in intercourse, oral sex, or other "standard" sexual acts. But you and your partner have to figure out what you each like—and what you don't like. "If you and your partner(s) are not fans of intercourse, there is no reason to force yourself to have penetrative intercourse, assuming you have no interest in conceiving," says Prause. "Your sex life is your own and, truly, you can make that choice and not worry that you or your relationship is broken." A bonus? "Simply becoming sexually aroused results in most of the health benefits that have been attributed to orgasm and intercourse," she says.
8. Being vanilla
While you should feel free to explore whatever you're into, don't worry if that list just isn't very long. Prude-shaming, after all, can be just as bad as slut-shaming. "Today, more than ever, there is discussion about a wide variety of sexual practices, including anal sex, rimming, threesomes, and more," says family physician Jennifer Caudle, D.O. "For some, experimenting with different sexual practices is exciting, but the truth is this they are not for everyone. If you feel reluctant to experiment sexually, this is not a 'problem,' as is sometimes implied. It's important to embrace sexuality the way that is right for you and not feel pressured to engage sexually in ways that you are not comfortable."
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