Friend No More?

My closest friend of the last five years has recently developed two new close friends and shuts me out so that our conversation remains impersonal. I feel all my loyalty has been in vain. I don't know whether to confront her or just let her go. She makes me feel bad when she directly excludes me. I know I have my faults but a friend can depend on me. The worst part is she doesn't seem to notice how she's treating me.
What a limited set of options you give yourself! Why do you think that confrontation is the only kind of conversation two people can engage in over an uncomfortable situation? The assumption that a disagreement means that talk must be adversarial in itself leads people into hostile stances and that almost guarantees negative outcomes. Instead -- and this holds true for any conversation with anyone about anything, and in any kind of relationship -- when you have a complaint or seek change of some kind, request setting aside time for a conversation. You would be wisest to begin it in a way that is most likely to bring about the result you want, while preserving your own dignity. That means not beginning with criticism. If you launch into an attack, your friend will feel defensive and that will render her unable to hear your request for more closeness. Besides, she won't be in any frame of mind to want it at that point. You don't need to distort your very legitimate feelings. You might begin by saying that you miss the closeness you two used to have and you want to know whether you've done something specific to put her off. At the very least, you'll get valuable feedback you can use to correct course in the future. Your role is to listen nondefensively. If the door is open at all, then ask what steps you both can take to resolidify the friendship. At the same time you're approaching the problem nonconfrontationally, you are making yourself more likeable. It's a very winning combination. Still, don't expect success 100 percent of the time; some people are too glued to their grievances.
Love Is a Weighty Matter
My wife and I have been married for 15 years and have five kids. Until two years ago, we had a good sex life -- sex about twice a week. Then she lost interest, citing 10 to 15 pounds of weight gain as the culprit ("I'm fat and unattractive"). I have assured her that the weight can be lost, that she is still attractive. I have also tried physical contact without expectations of sex. We also talk to each other about what is going on with our lives. Bottom line: We now have sex once or twice a month, when she urges me to just "get it over with."
Perhaps you are the one who needs to lighten up. Ten to 15 pounds is not a dramatic gain, but weight is a loaded issue for most American women. Telling your wife that the gained weight can be lost is tantamount to declaring you dislike the way she looks now. Even if she doesn't understand how she picks up the signals, your unspoken feelings could be making her so uncomfortable that she can't wait to get any exposure over with. She may read your interest in lovemaking as desire not so much to be with her as to satisfy your own sexual needs. Depending how much real power in the relationship she does or doesn't have, she may find it hard to tell you directly what's bothering her -- and the weight can even be a convenient scapegoat for lack of power. On the other hand, women's heads are so wacked on weight matters that it may take outsize demonstrations of affection to persuade her she is lovable as is, even if she wants to lose weight. Either way, the best path to getting your sex life back is to forget about both sex and weight for now. Focus on doing fun things together and surprising your wife often with unambiguous demonstrations of affection.
My Boyfriend Doesn't Have Orgasms

My boyfriend and I have taken our relationship to the physical level. But I am the only one having orgasms. When I question him, he tells me he has a problem reaching orgasm and only reaches it once in a while, and that I shouldn't take it personally. I work in the medical field and know male physiology. I told him he should have this checked. He is a thoughtful lover, always making sure I'm pleased. I don't want to be a nag. He's 47 and appears to have no other health problems.
Take your cue from your boyfriend -- don't get hung up on his orgasms unless he makes them an issue. Having a beau who is a good person and a thoughtful lover is like hitting the jackpot. Far more important than any particular variation from the norm, sexual or not, is how you two handle it. You need to be able to communicate freely and to "read" each other's reactions accurately. I suggest that you take the emphasis off his performance and not club him over the head with your medical knowledge or intuition -- that could be a big deterrent to open communication. Male anorgasmia is not as uncommon as you may think. Most often, it is a side effect of antidepressant use. It's possible that your boyfriend is taking Prozac or a similar drug and feels the need to conceal that fact. Perhaps your real concern with his anorgasmia is that it keeps you from knowing whether he is sexually satisfied. If so, you might tell him that you would like to be sure you are satisfying him as much as he is satisfying you, and without this pretty obvious signal you don't know whether that is the case. Ask what signs the two of you might use. By taking the emphasis off his failure (anorgasmia) and putting it on his success (satisfying you), you just may find him relaxing and opening up to you. That emotional intimacy is by far the sexiest part of any relationship.
What Happened to His Sex Drive?
For the past year or so, my partner and I have had completely mismatched sex drives -- I want it, he doesn't. It's not that I want to be pinned against the wall every night (or even every week) but I also don't want to have to twist his arm to make love. I know he's not getting it anywhere else; his libido just seems to be lacking. I'm getting impatient.
We like to think that sexual desire has a life of its own, especially in men; you don't have to do anything to it, it's just there. But that's not how it works. Low libido has much to do with general mental state, desire for you as a partner and the state of your relationship. More and more, men are less and less interested in sex because they're angry at their partner, usually for being critical and complaining. When asking for something different or new, women often criticize rather than express appreciation of their partner ("You never want to do anything anymore" usually prevails over "I like spending time with you and miss the fun we used to have together"). Resentment can stifle desire as thoroughly as a toothache. Good sex starts with a good emotional connection. That's where you're likely to find your partner's missing sex drive. Make him feel wanted, and spend time sharing your inner worlds with each other. Talk in a loving, nonconfrontational way. Ask what his needs and preferences are. Desire will come from his wanting to share something with you. You might also jump-start desire by taking unilateral action. A little seduction may just make your partner feel much more wanted and more interested in the relationship.
Married With... Attractions
I have a wonderful marriage of 30 years and have never been unfaithful. The past two years I also have had a very special relationship with a woman I met through work. We can talk about common interests, understand each other, but also know boundaries. My wife knows and likes her as well. There is some attraction between us, which is kept in check. "Experts" insist such a relationship means something is missing in the marriage. Isn't it natural to be attracted to others and develop more than one relationship, as long as sex is limited to your spouse?
The question is not whether attraction to others happens but how it's handled. Sexual attraction need not lead only to the bedroom. If you are a living, breathing human being, you are likely to encounter many people in many settings who are attractive to you and vice versa. Work definitely provides opportunities for intimate interaction, as men and women spend time sharing professional challenges and the intense emotions of accomplishment, frustration and failure. Two people can acknowledge the frisson and agree to channel the sexual energy into work, sparking creativity and productivity. But there are emotional boundaries to be heeded, too -- like not sharing inside information about your marriage. Once you cross that line, your primary relationship becomes secondary. Your wife would rightly feel violated -- and as pained as if there were sexual infidelity.