Oh-that-wasn’t-worth-it sex. Being out is new, and naturally, you’re horny. You want to get laid. So to make this happen, you pretty much settle on whoever’s closest, really. Unfortunately, due to the lack of attention, the moment you orgasm, you realize how stupid of an idea this was. You can do so much better.
Other-gay-friend sex. Every gay man has been there. Their gay friend is so happy that they finally have the chance to see what you look like naked, and to be honest, you’re kind of feeling the same way. It happens. It’s innocent. It’s potentially awkward.
Older-guy-at-bar sex. You’ve never really had the chance to go out to gay bars, and now that you have, you realize that the only gay bars in your area are filled only with men over 40. Not what you were expecting, and definitely not something you will engage. However, after they’ve bought you enough drinks, you loosen up a little and your standards go down a lot.
Experimental-drunk-friend sex. So, they’ll tell you they don’t remember a single thing, but your friend got piss drunk and, seeing as you’re the gay friend, they took it upon themselves to experiment with you. You did so gladly, because why not? But this was a drunk decision they’ll be roiling around in their head for pretty much the rest of their lives…
I-didn’t-sign-up-for-this sex. Gay or straight, people can get weird when it comes to sex. They can turn out to be much freakier than you ever expected them to be. But if you just came out of the closet, then it’s going to be especially strange because you may not have ever considered these positions or objects as sexual options before…
WTF-that-hurt sex. You’ve played with yourself before, so you’re not entirely unfamiliar with anal. But “playing with yourself” never included an actual penis and the violent thrusting motions of another horny male. You like it (after a while, at least), but you won’t lie and claim that it didn’t feel like your hole just bit by a swarm of hornets.
Proud sex. Every other time you’ve had sex with someone of the same gender, you’ve had to sneak it. But now you’re able to be open about it with everyone — especially your roommates or your parents, depending on who you’re still living with.
Infatuation-not-love sex. You make such a positive connection and have such good sex with this person that you think, “Well, damn. This is the one.” In reality, you’re just infatuated, and you’ll learn this fairly quickly, once you figure out that he or she is just that charming with everyone. To them, you’re really nothing special.
“Straight guy” sex. You’re on Grindr, and you get a message from a blank profile. They’re straight (they swear). They’ve never done this before (they insist). But what’s most interesting is that they almost always want to be the bottoms. That is to say, they almost always want you to f*ck them.
Regrettable sex. Have you ever sighed after sex? Well, maybe you didn’t do it aloud, but you did it all the same. These moments are vital, though. You need them in order to value yourself more than you do. You just came out of the closet. Don’t let that pride go to waste!
Cry-your-way-home sex. You thought that after coming out, sex was going to be 100 percent fun. But it didn’t take long for you to realize how untrue that really was. We can all blame your juiced up libido for convincing you to sleep with “that guy,” even though you not only found him unattractive, but kind of gross. Now, you feel gross and you’re crying on your way home, telling yourself you’ve hit your sexual rock bottom.
Double-top-pickle sex. You honestly never saw this kind of predicament coming. You find yourself in a bedroom (or car or wherever) with some random hookup, but you both discover that neither of you are bottoms. This is an issue. Because. Well. Where the hell are you going to put your penis?
Not-a-fan-of-anal-actually sex. Not every gay guy is into anal, and it may take him so experimentation to figure this out. It doesn’t make him any less gay, it just means that he’s got a sexual preference like everybody else.
No-show sex. You had everything planned, but then this guy flakes on you. So, what was meant to be a passionate night of steamy sex has now devolved into a five minute adult film search and masturbation session. You’ll end up watching “Bob’s Burgers,” wondering why you’re letting a random flake actually bother you.
Surprisingly promising sex. You have high hopes with this person, but you’re trying to not attach yourself to people so easily. But, as it turns out, this little hookup turned out to be much more pleasant than you had imagined it would. As it turns out, the following hookup is no different. Nor is the next. Or the next…
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